Agony Column


Sir George and Lady Cepheus of Upper Slaughter
Desire to announce to family and friends
That the death has been arranged of their only daughter
Andromeda, aged twenty—Sir George intends

To avoid undesirable pomp and ostentation:
A simple ceremony, a quiet funeral feast
And the usual speeches; a train will leave the station
For the Virgin’s Rock at four. No flowers by request!

Owing to the informal nature of the occasion
Guests are requested to wear ordinary dress.
It is hoped that, in view of Sir George’s official station
The event will be treated discreetly by the press.

In accord with religious custom and public duty,
The populace is expected to maintain order and quiet;
But, because of her daughter’s quite exceptional beauty
And numerous suitors, to discourage scandal or riot,

Lady Cepheus wishes it to be distinctly stated
That any attempt at rescue has been banned;
Offenders will be summarily emasculated;
Heroes are warned: the police have the matter in hand.

As the victim is to be chained wearing only her skin,
The volunteer armorers will be blinded at once.
On the following morning her lovers and next-of-kin
May assist in gathering any remaining bones.

Rate this post
Previous articleThe Walker
Next articleLambkin: a Fable


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here